No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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