ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Randomize