I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
