Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Randomize
