Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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