I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
