Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
