I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
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