sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
