Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
You can't just leave with hair like that
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
