I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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