I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
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