I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Randomize
