i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Randomize
