put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
