the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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