You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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