Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
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