I swear god or herbie drove my car home
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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