Got a toothbrush?
I accidentally burped into my bong.
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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