Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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