I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
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