you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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