The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Randomize
