I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
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