Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I am naked and annoyed.
Randomize
