Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
