Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
I wish i was in the wii world.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
