her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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