I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
