Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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