My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
