Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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