carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize