She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
