Can i not drive my cunt home
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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