He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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