my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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