bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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