I look better un-naked...
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
