I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
