Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
