Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
