I'd wear matching sweaters with you
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
