her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
