I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
