it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Randomize
