the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
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