Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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