hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
whose ass print is on the piano?
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
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