he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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