I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
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