he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
The best revenge is premature balding
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
