If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
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