fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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