Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Randomize
